my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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