I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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