Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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