I seem to have left my pride at pride
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
