So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
