Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I can't trust your balls anymore.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...