just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
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I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
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Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.