He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
