Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
