I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
