and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
