you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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