I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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