So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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