just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
