"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
