You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
