WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
