Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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