woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
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Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
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Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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