I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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