dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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