my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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