Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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