I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
