im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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