i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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