I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize