Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
God, I missed his penis.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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