i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
