the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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