Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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