I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
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I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
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Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Please don't give away my fajitas
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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