In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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