It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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