my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
