She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
