he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
