Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
