i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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