I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
