I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
