Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
