I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
