I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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