Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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