all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.