He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.