Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
smell my finger.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize