just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Can you bring me the toilet please
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
