whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
