News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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