I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
