everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
