I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
