I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
