you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
