everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
