i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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