Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
